Went on for a jog in the evening, hoping that i can clear up the confusion in my mind. But sadly, it didn't.
In case you're wondering what am i confused about. I'l just say it out.
Im currently thinking if i should repeat in SR or quit college to go poly.
This question has been in my mind for the past one month. And since last week, i though that i've finally accepted my own decision, and decided to stay on in SR. But while i was studying this morning, i went all the way down again. Something hit me again. The same question. This time round, i took it very seriously.
Devil in me (DIM): why are you doing all these again? arent you bored? IT'S MATHS!GET IT? MATHS!
myself: *pens down* thought for a moment, trying to ignore, and continued to work on maths.
DIM: why won't you just stopped? since you can't get it right, just surrender!
myself: *super distracted* on the verge to punch the wall
DIM: finally brought up a point. GO ON TO A POLY REGINA!
myself: finally drops the pen and book, and went on to read the newspaper.
i've been defeated again.
So i sat on my sofa, and listened to the music, and my mind drifted again.
I very much wanted to sleep my life away. I had tears in my mind. At that point of time, i really really wanted to enrol myself into a poly.
you might be thinking what course i would like to enrol in. I was thinking of applying for business. Im no longer considering vet tech, cause of some stuffs.
I told myself how good life in poly would be.
pros:
- mummy would be happy with me.
- lesser household burden
- timing would be more flexible
- i can get back to learning music
cons:
- im gonna start everything fresh and new.
- im gonna graduate 2 yrs later than the rest.
If im going to repeat it would be:
Pros:
- I can do better in J1, and get a better understanding.
- at least im familiar with the surrounding.
Cons:
- emotional and peer pressure
- i might struggle in J2
- the thought of worrying for As results gonna kill me.
- can you imagine if sciences and GP might pull you down?
- i'll feel super awkard when i see my friends. (no offence to my dear friends reading this.)
Well, judging by the pros and cons, i would have gone on to poly, but something is holding me back.
FRIENDS!
i know i shouldnt let this affect my decision, but come on, face up. who won't be affected by this?
im just another tofu. I look physically strong, but hey, im super emotional. Play me a sad song, and i can cry for you.
so i went online, and being the sweet cherryl, she said she missed me. well, i do miss her too. and we talk alot bout repeating and quiting college. Thanks lum=)
i went to the polys and check out the courses. i felt alienated. the decision to stay on in college seem to be a correct choice.
I felt like giving one tight slap across my face.
I felt super useless. I slept, hoping to get the thought away. But it didnt
I went for a jog after that. i ran fast, and long distance. i played fast music. i panted like nobody business. But still, i couldnt come to a conclusion.
I talk to mummy. Mummy asked me to make the correct decision.
so. here i am. thinking and thinking again.
Im really determined during the OBS days. I told myself that i'll repeat, and do well. But because of this morning, i gt defeated.
so, im still not ready emotionally.
my escape from reality?
music, my own world. sleeping.running.
i need to keep my mind occupied.
PLEASE. i need enlightenment.
nope.i no longer have suicidal thoughts.
im off
